WHAT IS A MAN?

Masculinity - A delicate dance

A question came into my space today—not an original question but one that touched me deeply and got me thinking. It lingered because I know there are countless men out there grappling with pain and inner conflict. The question? What does it mean to be a man? Toxic masculinity, identity politics and 'me too' has many of us confused. But perhaps the real question is this: What does it mean to be human?

Surely, in 2024, we’ve evolved enough to rise above labels, categories, and clichés. Surely, we’re enlightened enough to recognise that life is fleeting, too short for façades and masks. Aren’t we ready to move past outdated, gender-based expectations and embrace the idea that our worth is defined by how we act and how we treat others.

And yet, the reality is starkly different. Many men remain trapped in pain and confusion, shaped by lessons absorbed along the way—from parents, peers, marketing, and society at large. They’ve been taught that to be a man means to be:

• Hard.

• Courageous.

• Emotionally (sorry, dirty word) strong.

• A provider.

• Physically tough.

• Gentle, groomed (no chest hair please, its gross!)

• Seduce like a stallion 

• Silent about doubts and sensitivity.

  
  

Is it any wonder that 47 men take their own lives every week in Australia? Or that our prisons are filled with men who have themselves been victims of violence and abuse, often at the hands of men they knew?

The Impossible Balancing Act

It’s confusing. Be “manly” but also open. Show interest, but don’t be a creep. Be strong for everyone, but sensitive too. Fix the car and cook like Jamie Oliver. Look sharp in a suit and rugged in a singlet.

Never before has leaning in, for that first kiss, or a simple complement been so terrifying for fear of being labelled a creep...or worse.

I’m showing my age here, but let me share a list of men I admired at different points in my life (besides my father, of course):

• Arnold Schwarzenegger

• Wayne Pearce (Rugby League)

• John Lennon

• Dr. Patch Adams

• Jeff Buckley

• John Belushi

• Bon Scott

  
  

What do these men have in common? Apart from anatomy, not much—and that’s the point. Each man had unique qualities to admire, as well as flaws to spare.

Growing up in the ’70s and ’80s, I’m not sure if my father deliberately taught me to bottle up my feelings, but I learned that lesson all the same. By the time I was 10 or 12, I craved acceptance as a tough guy, good at sports, and willing to do whatever it took to gain that status. In my 20s, I realised it’d be better to strive to be a decent, kind human being. But that was far more complicated than the low bar of hard drinking, a sharp tongue, and physical dominance.

Then came the last decade, when becoming a counsellor proved even harder. I’d absorbed so much conditioning that I worried my male friends would think I’d gone “soft.” Even now, I hesitate to discuss my passion for helping others navigate their emotional lives. That’s how deeply ingrained this conditioning is—even the language betrays it: soft.

Breaking the Cycle....

What can we do to change this? So often, change needs to start in the home. Micro steps, starting with what we model to our young men. We need to be, how we'd like them to be. If your boy sees you speaking poorly to his mother, he will think that's ok? If you drink to excess, rant, condone violence, you are indicating to impressionable eyes that this is ok. Just as you looked up to your Dad, your son is seeing you through those same eyes.

What else? Obvious agitators, like Andrew Tat & Trump (probable just lost 50% of you!!). Watch our boys closely and course correct, when needed. Follow good people yourself. These are our job's as Dad's. Ask him why Luke is good, Darth is bad and what could Annikin have done differently?

So, my friend, my brother: you don’t have to “be a man.” That term comes laden with undertones and outdated notions. It’s just a word, not a fact. And it’s a notion whose time is fading.

Ask yourself this: Is strength a male or female quality? And how about sensitivity, courage, bravery? Masculine, feminine or...HUMAN??

Cooking a meal, rebuilding an engine, digging a great hole, or making love—aren’t these simply human traits not needling to be assigned a gender? And wouldn’t the world be a mess if we all had the same qualities in equal measure? That’s the point. We each have our own unique recipe.

You just have to be yourself. 'More ourselves' would definitely make the world a happier place.

Of course, that’s easier said than done. It’s a process of becoming less self-conscious, of caring less about external judgment and more about what feels true for you. It’s about reconnecting with the uninhibited child you once were and rediscovering what that kid wanted to express.

Spend time sitting, writing or walking. Before you act, ask yourself: Does this feel right? Take small steps and stop trash-talking yourself. It’s a balancing act, being human. But to find your truth, you need to strip back the layers of conditioning and be okay with what remains: your essence.

If violent sports feel good, play them. If poetry calls to you, read it. Whether you listen to Rage Against the Machine or Mozart, eat kale or steak, dance or box—do what feels right. Shouldn’t we, in 2024, celebrate individuality and uniqueness?

The alternative is bleak: living for others, pandering to societal expectations, and suppressing your authentic self. Let’s not go back to that. Let’s embrace the freedom to be human, fully and unapologetically.

“The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be.”

― Leo Buscagli